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A quick reminder: This newsletter is focused on caregiving and the many ways it shapes women’s lives. Once a week, we send you tips and thoughtful discussion of a particular kind of care that is often expected of women in particular.

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For everyone ready to go on this journey with us, let’s get into it.

This week, we’re exploring the difficult issues – both practical and emotional – that arise when a relative who lives far away starts to lose the ability to take care of themselves.

Today’s Topic: The many challenges of caregiving from afar

A fact of life as unavoidable as a sunburn and a queasy stomach after the 4th of July weekend: People get older. And as they do, they gradually lose the ability to take care of themselves. 

Not too shocking to hear. But here’s where things get trickier: The U.S. population is aging (i.e., the proportion of U.S. residents who are elderly is growing) quickly. The NIH projects that by 2030, 72.8 million U.S. residents will be 65 or older, with the most growth in the “oldest old” category, which is also the group most likely to have functional limitations.

What that means is a lot of aging people will need help 

And many of them live far from family members who could provide it; about 11% of the U.S.'s ~53 million caregivers do so from far away, according to the AARP. It’s far from an ideal scenario, but many Americans make it work – and many more are going to have to, if current demographic trends hold.

The problem isn’t just logistical; caretaking can be an overwhelming financial burden. Long-term care costs about $61,000 annually on average, according to CBS – not the kind of money most of us have lying around. And for a private room in a nursing home, you’ll need almost twice that amount. 

But don’t bail on me in favor of your online shopping tabs just yet 

I have good news: There are many helpful resources you can tap if you’re caring from afar. The National Institute on Aging recommends the following habits and practices: 

• Organize important documents like health records, wills, and financial information in a way that allows you to access them. 

• Double-check that each caregiver has written permission to make legal and medical decisions 

• Before you visit your relative, make detailed plans for what you’ll discuss, then make sure you get to every item 

• Stay connected with medical and facility staff 

Some practical tools can help you stay connected and informed: 

• The Lotsa app helps you coordinate family support

• Your local Area Agency on Aging can connect you with resources close by 

• Papa can help people on Medicare Advantage, Medicaid, and some employer health plans get companion care

Now let’s talk about the emotional challenges 

One challenge remote caregivers often face is an aging relative who’s resisting the idea of support. It’s only natural for people who are accustomed to independent living to experience the suggestion that they need help as an insult.

One solution: Experts advise starting with small measures, like having someone come over to help with housework. Ideally, your relative will welcome the benefits of added support, and you’ll be able to expand from there. 

“The loss of independence is really difficult,” said Nicole Jorwic, chief of advocacy and campaigns at Caring Across Generations. “If you start with things that don’t feel overly intrusive, but take things off of their plate, and also have conversations with people about the impact their care needs are having on others, it can make them realize that it’s not just about them.”

Distance from loved ones in need of support can also cause feelings of guilt. Caregivers sometimes develop a sense that they should be doing something to support their relative in every spare moment, since they’re not able to be physically by their side. If that’s you, just remember to take care of yourself – as we’ve previously written, doing so isn’t just good for you. It also helps you take care of others more effectively.

The bottom line is to keep in mind that being a remote caregiver is tough. You’re doing something hard, so treat yourself – and the work involved – accordingly.

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Care-fully Selected Product Recs 

Every product and service listed in this section is independently chosen by us, Take Care’s highly discerning editors Maya and Eliza. We have two rules for our recommendations: We only recommend things we’d use ourselves, and we don’t earn a commission from these links —  we just want you to have the best of the best. No, seriously. 

We suggested some helpful products above, but we’ve got some extras for you here, because the challenge of remote caregiving necessitates bonus product recommendations.

• Lively’s battery-powered medical alert system allows the user to call for help at the touch of a button, no matter where they are. It can even connect them with an agent in the event of a fall, even if they didn’t touch the button.

• TabSafe automatic pill dispensers make complex medication regimens easy and straightforward for both patient and caregiver.

• GrandCare uses a large touchscreen to give seniors social communications, instructions, reminders, medication prompts, and web-based entertainment.

News you can use

What we’re reading

• My Partner Wants Children, But I Don’t. Now What? The one and only Esther Perel talks someone who called in to her podcast, “Esther Calling,” through what is arguably the most existential relationship disagreement.

• Should you take vitamin D? Here’s the science. No one wants soft bones, so read up on whether adding a supplement is a good idea.

• Gastro Doctors Share The 1 Food They Never (Or Rarely) Eat. You’ll see the usual nutritional suspects here, but a few of them surprised me.

• These Laundry Hacks Will Make Your Life Easier. A collection of pieces on how to keep your pieces squeaky clean.